From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).
- Clive:
- I was down the, er, Top Rank ballroom the other day.
- Derek:
- Oh, yeah?
- Clive:
- Yeah, with-, you know, with the lads…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- … and, er, brought the wives along, you know.
- Derek:
- Social occasion.
- Clive:
- Well, made it social, you know, nice to have the birds there, you know, they’ve…
- Derek:
- Oh, yeah.
- Clive:
- … got things to talk about, haven’t they? You know…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Women’s talk, anyway, yeah…
- Derek:
- Yeah, nice.
- Clive:
- I was talking to the lads, I’d been up to the, er, football, you know.
- Derek:
- Oh, errr, which? Norwich and, er, Tottenham?
- Clive:
- Norwich – Tottenham, yeah.
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Fucking awful game, that.
- Derek:
- Yeah-h.
- Clive:
- Norwich are a team of fucking wankers, ‘in’t they?
- Derek:
- Yeah, right.
- Clive:
- Fucking wankers, those Norwich. You-, did you-, d’y-, you see the game?
- Derek:
- No, I was-, I was wanking that afternoon. I couldn’t come…
- Clive:
- Oh, yeah, couldn’t make it, yeah. Well, I-, I was down to be wanking but, erm, you know, I got a call from a friend and, er, you know, thought best to go along.
- Derek:
- Yeah, right, well…
- Clive:
- Anyway, I was down the Top Rank ballroom, any case…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- … I was talking to Sid, you remember Sid who, erm…
- Derek:
- Yeah, who…
- Clive:
- … married to Doris.
- Derek:
- Right, yeah.
- Clive:
- And, er, I suddenly turned round – fuck me, I saw the wife!
- Derek:
- Well, was that-, was that, er, surprising?
- Clive:
- No, no, it’s not surprising, what was happening to the wife was surprising. I turned round, saw the wife, fucking great gorilla fucking her arse off.
- Derek:
- No!
- Clive:
- I thought, "Fuck me!"
- Derek:
- Fucking hell!
- Clive:
- I said, "What’s going on?"
- Derek:
- Yeah. Well, you would.
- Clive:
- I said, "Who do I turn to?" You know, "Who do I fucking get in touch with?"
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- I pay five shillings to come to the Top Rank ballroom…
- Derek:
- Yeah. And then you’ve…
- Clive:
- … have a civilised conversation, I turn round, there’s a fucking gorilla fucking the arse off my fucking wife!
- Derek:
- Christ!
- Clive:
- I thought, "Fuck me! I mean, who do I get in touch with?"
- Derek:
- Right, yeah, you must have been in a state of near panic.
- Clive:
- Yeah, well, you know, I’ve got pride.
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- I’m not going to allow, er, ANYBODY, let alone a gorilla, you know, just, er, fuck the arse of my wife like that.
- Derek:
- Yeah. So what did you do?
- Clive:
- Well, I turned to Sid, I said, "Sid, look! Fucking gorilla fucking my fucking wife!" He said, "Fucking hell, she fucking is being fucked by a fucking gorilla, fuck me!" He said, "You should get in touch with the top man…
- Derek:
- Right.
- Clive:
- … the manager."
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- So I went straight up, you know, I stormed up. ‘Cause let’s f-, I’ve got a temper, you know…
- Derek:
- Yeah, I know.
- Clive:
- I-, I-, I’m human!
- Derek:
- Well, I wouldn’t like to be on the end of it.
- Clive:
- I’m human. I knocked on the manager’s door – no reply.
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Well, I wasn’t taking ‘no reply’ for an answer. So I stormed straight in and there he was: stark naked on the floor with an ant sucking his left nipple.
- Derek:
- Oh no! Oh, fucking hell!
- Clive:
- And I said to him, with all the dignity I could muster, I said, "Is this a way to run a fucking ballroom?"
- Derek:
- RIGHT!
Derek and Clive 