From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).
- Clive:
- I… bought a ball bearing business down, er, Dulwich way and, er, it’s doing quite well.
- Derek:
- Yeah-h, yeah, it’s better, that.
- Clive:
- Our turnover is up to, er, three thousand, er,…
- Derek:
- Ball bearings.
- Clive:
- Three thousand a week, yeah.
- Derek:
- Yeah? That’s good.
- Clive:
- And the good thing about ball bearings is that, er,…
- Derek:
- Well, it’s-, it’s…
- Clive:
- The f-
- Derek:
- …everybody needs ball bearings.
- Clive:
- Well, that’s what I say. The wife says, "Well, why don’t you become a… television star?", and I say, "W-, why do I need it…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- …when I’ve got my ball bearings to keep me rolling?"
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- And, er,…
- Derek:
- Uhh-huh.
- Clive:
- …she’d still like me to be on, er, on the telly…
- Derek:
- Yeah, well y-…
- Clive:
- …so I volunteered for this new game they’ve got on, er, ‘Celebrity Suicide’.
- Derek:
- Oh yeah (laughs)
- Clive:
- In which, er, well-known celebrities, erm, put themselves in a noose and, er,…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- …hang themselves. And the last person to die gets a – thousand quid.
- Derek:
- That’s good.
- Clive:
- But, er, they-, I wasn’t selected.
- Derek:
- No, well, you wouldn’t – be.
- Clive:
- I said, "I-, is,…
- Derek:
- It’s fixed.
- Clive:
- …is it because I’m only, er, one inch high… and four foot wide?", and they said, "No, it’s nothing to do with that." ‘Cause you know I’m very…
- Derek:
- Well, you are…
- Clive:
- …wide on the ground and short in the air. And, er, they said, "No, it’s nothing to with that," they said, "er, the basic fact is we think you’re a cunt,…
- Derek:
- That’s unusual.
- Clive:
- …and we don’t like cunts on the show ’cause it puts off the audience."
- Derek:
- (sniggers)
- Clive:
- And so I-, I went away with a flea in my ear.
- Derek:
- Best place to have it.
- Clive:
- Really, yeah. And, er, the wife is still on about me being a celebrity, you know, and, er,… she was on, er, she was on, erm, ‘Blow Your Tits Up’ and…
- Derek:
- (laughs aloud)
- Clive:
- (sniggers) She was on this, er, new game called ‘Blow Your Tits Up’…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- …in which, er, celebrities such as Anthony Newley and Bruce Forsyth attach explosives to women’s tits and, erm, the tits that go highest in the air…
- Derek:
- (still laughing)
- Clive:
- …win the biggest prizes. But Dolly said, er, she couldn’t stand that and, er,…
- Derek:
- (coughs)
- Clive:
- …I respected-, I respected her views.
- Derek:
- Well, you do, don’t you?
- Clive:
- You remember Vera?
- Derek:
- Gorrrr…
- Clive:
- …I nearly married.
- Derek:
- …yeah, yeah.
- Clive:
- The one I… fucked and, er, nailed to the wall in Chiswick. Er, she was invited to, erm, ‘Celebrity Saviours’…
- Derek:
- Yeah?
- Clive:
- In which, er, well-known people are-, are nailed up to the-, to the wall…
- Derek:
- (laughs)
- Clive:
- …and the one who screams loudest, er, gets the prize but, er, she said that was, er, beneath her dignity.
- Derek:
- Yeah, well…
- Clive:
- I respect that view…
- Derek:
- (sniggers)
- Clive:
- …but I still think she was a cunt not to take the money.
Derek and Clive 