The Worst Job I Ever Had

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Clive:

I’ll tell you…

Derek:

(enormous belch) Testing, testing…

Clive:

No, no, don’t test any longer.

Derek:

No.

Clive:

Er, I’ll tell you the worst job I ever had.

Derek:

What was that?

Clive:

The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know…

Derek:

Yeah, yeah.

Clive:

… big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.

Derek:

Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.

Clive:

Well, it was quite a task ’cause she had a big bum…

Derek:

Well, I remember.

Clive:

… and they were big lobsters.

Derek:

I remember she had a huge bum.

Clive:

Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife…

Derek:

(belches) Oh dear.

Clive:

Shut up… she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening…

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

… when Jayne was sleeping or sort of comatose, like…

Derek:

Yeah, yeah.

Clive:

… you know, you know.

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

You know, just lying there.

Derek:

Comatose.

Clive:

And the ne-

Derek:

‘Coma-toes to her head’ huh-huh-huh.

Clive:

‘Coma-toes to her head’ – shut up.

Derek:

(coughs)

Clive:

And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.

Derek:

Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.

Clive:

Well, you see, the lobsters…

Derek:

Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as ‘lobsters-up-the-arsehole’.

Clive:

Well, this is what it said scientifically, you know…

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

… ‘lobsters-up-the-bum’, you know…

Derek:

Mmm.

Clive:

… this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as ‘Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus‘.

Derek:

Yeah, yeah.

Clive:

And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne…

Derek:

Mmm.

Clive:

… who was a sweet girl.

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl…

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

… and get these fucking lobsters out of her arsehole.

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.

Derek:

Yeah, yeah.

Clive:

I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu…

Derek:

Yeah.

Clive:

… which is where she used to go out bathing.

Derek:

Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.

Clive:

Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters – boing! – straight up her arsehole.

Derek:

Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn’t she?

Clive:

Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know…

Derek:

Yeah, yeah.

Clive:

… by the flagrant display which she got up to.

Derek:

Well, I think she was a dirty cow.

Clive:

Well…

Derek:

And being…

Clive:

No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let’s face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.

Derek:

Yeah, well, I think, I-, let’s face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don’t…

Clive:

Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…

Derek:

No.

Clive:

… Jayne didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…

Derek:

There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.

Clive:

No. It was a…

Derek:

A-, fif-

Clive:

… fifty-fifty thing.

Derek:

I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it…

Clive:

Yeah.

Derek:

Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.

Clive:

Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event.

Derek:

What event?

Clive:

Post hoc, te proct.

Derek:

P-post what?

Clive:

Post hoc, te proct.

Derek:

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Clive:

That’s what it is in Latin, you know…

Derek:

What-

Clive:

… getting lobsters out of people’s bums, after they’ve, er…

Derek:

Oh, post hoc, te proct.

Clive:

Yes, yeah.

Derek:

Well, when… (clears throat)

Clive:

But she was a sweet girl and I wouldn’t knock her.

Derek:

Well, I gather you wouldn’t, no.

Clive:

No, I gather I wouldn’t. But I’ll tell you one thing Tony Newley said to me…

Derek:

What was that?

Clive:

“Who are you?”

Derek:

Yeah? Just like that.

Clive:

Just like that. And I thought that made Tony Newley a-, a wonderful human being.