From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).
- Derek:
- (clears throat)
- Clive:
- Well, do you know that, er, Lady Vera?
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Down, er, G-, Clitheroe Avenue, she, er, she reads people’s farts.
- Derek:
- Yeah, what, she lights them and then, er,…
- Clive:
- No, she doesn’t light them, you just go in there and bend down…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Oh, you give her, er, 50p, you know,…
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- …for a full reading.
- Derek:
- What, you have to pee as well as fart?
- Clive:
- No, you just give her 50p,…
- Derek:
- Oh, I th-
- Clive:
- …you don’t have to pee, no.
- Derek:
- I thought, eh, you had to f-, pee fifty times, or… ?
- Clive:
- No, no, no. You give her 50p and then she tells your fortune from your fart.
- Derek:
- Yeah?
- Clive:
- And, er, I went in there ab-, last Tuesday…
- Derek:
- Did you have a strong fart line?
- Clive:
- Yeah, enormous. Er, I went out about four days ago to Madame Vera ’cause, you know, I’m interested in what the future holds, and, er, she said, "Take your trousers off", which I did, naturally,…
- Derek:
- Yeah, well, that’s fair enough,…
- Clive:
- …you know, too-, took ’em off.
- Derek:
- …that’s fair enough.
- Clive:
- And she said, "Bend over, lower your knickers and, er, give us a big one", you know, ’cause she doesn’t-, she-, she can’t stand it if you just give her a little (blows quick raspberry) like that, you know.
- Derek:
- Yeah, well, she tells you to save up, doesn’t she, for a few days?
- Clive:
- Yeah, she puts you on a course of, er, highly, er,…
- Derek:
- Bananas. (laughs)
- Clive:
- …sulphurous food. Bananas and that, yeah.
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- Seafish, seafood and that kind of stuff.
- Derek:
- Then in the morning you don’t-, you have to take about three pound of French figs.
- Clive:
- That’s it!
- Derek:
- Yeah.
- Clive:
- French figs.
- Derek:
- (clears throat)
- Clive:
- And I farted, you know, and, er, she’s-, she was well pleased with it, she said, "That was quite a good fart", and she-, she read it and she said, er, "Er, you will, er," she said, "you will pass water."
- Derek:
- Oh.
- Clive:
- And, er, she was quite right you know, I w-, dying for a slash, and so I…
- Derek:
- Well, I went down there…
- Clive:
- …went out, had a pee and,…
- Derek:
- I-
- Clive:
- …you know, she-, she read all that.
- Derek:
- I went down there and, er, you know, I…
- Clive:
- She read your future from your farts?
- Derek:
- Yeah! She said…
- Clive:
- What did she see in your future?
- Derek:
- Well, I-, you know, I had-, er, I done, you know, the usual thing. I’d had about, oh, I don’t know, I had two-, about three or four dozen eggs over the last three days…
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- …so I was well primed. Then on the morning of the, er, actual, you know,…
- Clive:
- Appointment.
- Derek:
- …appointment…
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- …I-, I had, er, four pounds of figs…
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- …and-, (laughs) and, er, six cans…
- Clive:
- Chutney?
- Derek:
- Six cans of beans.
- Clive:
- Chutney?
- Derek:
- No, no, no chutney, no.
- Clive:
- Oh, she usually likes chutney, you surprise me.
- Derek:
- So, er, I went down there, she said, "All right then, er, er, Derek, er, take your, you know, the usual down and, er, just give me one."
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- So I, er, I gave her one. And, er, you know, almost immediately she said, er, "In three seconds you’re going to shit this fucking room to pieces." And she was quite right!
- Clive:
- You filled the room, did you?
- Derek:
- I filled the room up.
- Clive:
- It’s uncanny that, ‘int that, that power of prediction? That-
- Derek:
- I-, fucking hell, mate, talk about E.S.P….
- Clive:
- Not just E.S.P., E.S. fucking farts, mate!
Derek and Clive 