Coughin’ Contest

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Clive:

We are now attending the…

Derek:

(giggles)

Clive:

… the World Championship Coughing match in, in, in Zurich, between the defending Champion Derek, um, can’t mention his second name ’cause he’s a subject of litigation at the moment, and Clive thingamebob who’s similarly… on a charge of fucking a fireplace. But, ah…

Derek:

(laughs)

Clive:

The flag is about to go up, and the flag is about to come down and the gun goes off…

Derek:

(blows short raspberry)

Clive:

And the World Coughing Championship takes place, the favourite, Derek, to lead off with a cough. And tension mounts, as indeed does Derek…

Derek:

(begins a loud hacking cough)

Clive:

We… and that’s… this is the first cough. It’s a very, very, very good cough but not up, not up to his championship…

Derek:

(redoubles his coughing effort)

Clive:

But no! He’s continuing more than he’s ever…

Derek:

(finishes coughing)

Clive:

… he’s awarded, let’s see, um, eight-three, eight-three, eight-five and eight-seven for a very good score for a first cough. And now Clive is-, is ready for the big cough…

Derek:

(clears his throat)

Clive:

And Derek coughs off-stage so it’s instant disqualification for Derek as Clive begins the slow wind-up to the big cough. And – he’s ready to cough. Takes one last drag of the cigarette…

Derek:

(belches) Ohhh…

Clive:

Shouts his traditional cry of… CANCER!!! He begins to cough…

(begins forcing a long, excruciatingly breathless rasping cough, occasionally gagging; other coughing can be heard in the background)

Derek:

The audience is joining in now, leading him on to greater heights.

Clive:

(continues rasping and gagging)

Derek:

This is an enormous cough! The audience is joining in – they’re on their feet, coughing their hearts out.

Clive:

(chokes every last pocket of air from his lungs)

Derek:

(adds a farting sound)

Clive:

A gallant show, and the judges flags go up. And the marks come up, and it’s a superb nine-five, nine-four, nine-five, nine-six, for a superlative total for Clive.

Derek:

You cunt.

Clive:

That ends Radio Three broadcasts for this evening. Next there will be a programme on false teeth for the blind, delivered by the deaf, and for those of you who are hard of hearing… LISTEN!!!