From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).
- Clive:
- What’s- was the worst job you had?
- Derek:
- The worst job I ever had? Yeah- (sniffs and clears throat)
- Clive:
- What, was just that? Coughing?
- Derek:
- Well, I had to collect up-, i-, it was a very difficult job. I had to collect up every year – financial year, you know, A-, April…
- Clive:
- Every ear? Whose ears did you collect up?
- Derek:
- … A-, no, wait, no, ‘year’. April to April.
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- (belches) Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into his bucket by the bed.
- Clive:
- Oh, God, yes, I was offered that job…
- Derek:
- And…
- Clive:
- … but I said, "No," I said, "I’m not going to collect all that phlegm ’cause he has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am NOT, as a human being, going to go round with buckets collecting that fucking phlegm."
- Derek:
- Well, I’ll tell you…
- Clive:
- I said, "I’m not going to touch it." I said, "I won’t touch it…
- Derek:
- No.
- Clive:
- … I’d rather be a destitute."
- Derek:
- The trouble was he used to take bogies in secret, you see.
- Clive:
- What, he had them in a cupboard…
- Derek:
- He had…
- Clive:
- … which no-one could see?
- Derek:
- He was a secret bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff. I used to collect it up for him, I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it of a night.
- Clive:
- And then just blowing it out.
- Derek:
- An-, and then blowing it out in the fucking morning! I mean…
- Clive:
- And it-
- Derek:
- You didn’t know where you fucking were. I came in the morning…
- Clive:
- Well, ho-
- Derek:
- … there was the same fucking bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "Fuck me! I only collected this one last night and th-, there’s the cunt lying on the fucking bedspread again", you see. And I d-, I-, I-, you know, I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.
- Clive:
- Well, it must have been tricky for you ’cause I remember hearing stories about Winston’s bogies which were unbelievable because, erm, you know, he could produce a bogie as big as, er, er, w-, the Titanic. Ohh, it was dreadful…
- Derek:
- You know-, you know why?
- Clive:
- He threatened Hitler with it, didn’t he?
- Derek:
- You know what happened?
- Clive:
- He threatened Hitler with it.
- Derek:
- Well, the bogie that was as big as the Titanic…
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- … was in fact the Titanic! Did you know that?
- Clive:
- Well, this is-, this is what I heard!
- Derek:
- Yeah. The trouble-, no…
- Clive:
- But I’ve never had it confirmed!
- Derek:
- Well, this is-, now keep it-, keep it, like, very quiet…
- Clive:
- Keep it very quiet.
- Derek:
- … but the bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was, in fact-…
- Clive:
- (was the Titanic!)
- Derek:
- … there was no such fucking thing as the Ti-fucking-tanic.
- Clive:
- So people went to sea…
- Derek:
- People went, no, people thought it was the Titanic but it wasn’t! They were…
- Clive:
- They went to sea on-, on Winston…
- Derek:
- They went to sea on-, on Winston’s bogie.
- Clive:
- … Winston’s bogie, yeah.
- Derek:
- And the fucker sank! And fucking why not!
- Clive:
- And, and they-, they played on. They played on.
- Derek:
- They fucking played on. Well…
- Clive:
- The violinist kept playing while the bogie sank,
- Derek:
- The trouble is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.
- Clive:
- Well, I’ve always…
- Derek:
- Winston was a cunt!
- Clive:
- I’ve always said this, I’ve always said this: you cannot float on a bogie. Don’t try to cross the ocean on a bogie otherwise you’re sunk. And who took any notice? Fucking nobody took any bloody notice!
- Derek:
- Right, and all those…
- Clive:
- I’LL TELL YOU WHO TOOK NOTICE!!
- Derek:
- WHO?
- Clive:
- FUCKING NOBODY TOOK NOTICE!!
- Derek:
- Right!
- Clive:
- That’s who I’ll tell you took notice!
- Derek:
- You’re fucking right, mate!
- Clive:
- Yeah, nobody took fucking notice!
- Derek:
- Fucking no-one!
- Clive:
- No-one took notice!
- Derek:
- All those cunts!
- Clive:
- All those cunts…
- Derek:
- Trooping onto the fucking bogie!
- Clive:
- … went out to sea on Winston’s bogie and what happened to them?
- Derek:
- S.S. Fucking Bogie!
- Clive:
- They fucking sunk, didn’t they?
- Derek:
- Right, fucking cunts!
- Clive:
- Yeah.
- Derek:
- Right.
- Clive:
- So, the next time you see a travel brochure saying: ‘Go to Majorca on wee-…
- Derek:
- On a bogie!
- Clive:
- … on a bogie’, forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the fucking end of the world!!
- Derek:
- (laughing)
- Clive:
-
Ohhh-ouhh, would you excuse me for one second while I light up a cigarette.
(sound of lighter)
That was more than one second.
Would you mind not moving your stool?
Derek and Clive 